Kneading and Punching

Well... I survived yesterday.  This is a good thing.  I have a way of like, panicking when faced with, uh, stuff and then the next day being ready to kick ass.  (By panicking I mean, you may not *see* it, but when faced with hardcore stress I will do two of three things and usually all three:  get one pimple, poop and have a migraine.  TMI?  Too bad... its hard being me.)

So.  Here is what I'm doing today.  Beating things up.  Kneading and punching. 

The project du jour.  Sourdough bread... from my very own starter, mind you.

So, "come on!" you say.  "What was so bad about yesterday??"  Well... don't get your panties in a wad, I'm about to tell you. 

Once upon a time, in a far away land, Awesome Sauce here was a captain of a Relay for Life team.  I went to meetings, many times with my younger bro.  I was about 21 or 22, making him 15 or 16.  So... at one of the first meetings we sit our booties down and get all comfy in our seats.  Different speakers and motivators get up to talk.  An average looking guy gets up, nonchalantly, papers in hand and begins to speak about how much money has been raised and what not.  Suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, he just rares his head back, shakes it, and makes a guttural gargling sound.  Like in a sitcom, my brother and I look up at each other and just stare in each others eyes.  My brain starts ticking and screaming to my laugh box, "don't do it!  don't you fucking do it!"  I look around at the rest of the crowd and no one, NO ONE seems to have noticed.  They seem used to it?

WHAT.  THE.  HELL. 

I realize I have just experienced Tourette Syndrome for the first time and only a douche bag would laugh about it, so I will do what any normal person would do and laugh about it with my brother... in the car on the way home... Cruel?  yes.

So this is what I remember when thinking of Tourettes.  Being a mom (and I think, a much nicer person now) I see the whole thing very differently.   I find it amazing that someone with Tourettes would choose a job like this where public speaking is a must. I also find his life story to be pretty inspiring.  I was surprised one night to find out they made a whole Hallmark TV movie about him.  Read more here:

http://www.classperformance.com/

Anyhoo... what the hell does this whole thing have to do with my yesterday anyway???   Months ago, my Coop started clearing his throat.  A. Lot.  Constantly.  By this, I mean, if he was sleeping, he wasn't clearing his throat.  This progressed to blinking, sniffling, coughing and finally deep breaths.  I began keeping a calendar page on all his many tics.  On a visit for one of the other children I mentioned to our (phenomenal) pediatrician that I may just bring the Ticster in for a visit with her just to document what was going on "in case".  That was May.  Tics came and went, at least one always present, waxing and waning.  The deep breaths got worse and more noticeable.  My sister came over one night and asked if Coop had 'asthma'.  To which I wanted to answer, "why yes... ASTHMA!  We just let him walk around all asthma-y like that?!"  Ugh.  

So in the last week the deep breaths have pretty much taken over.  Each deep breath takes his whole little body.  I am a Googler.  I do Google symptoms and grow them in my head.  I grow them until I know they could just be symptoms for the worst possible thing.  Of course, I Googled "Tourettes" with the very first odd clearing of the throat.  But I know I'm a Googler, so I assumed I was blowing it out of proportion again.  

But yesterday.  As we are "doing school", I'm standing over Coop and he looks up and says, "Mommy, it's just getting harder to keep doing this."  He rares his head back, eyes roll and he takes a deep breath.  I was back at the Relay for Life meeting and I thought I was going to throw up.  I said, "hmm." and hit send on my phone.  We were sitting down with the pediatrician 2 hours later.  

She got all her info, copied my calendar pages and said about her referral to the neurologist, "You've diagnosed this.  I've diagnosed this.  Whatever the neurologist says, you already knew and you're going to attack it head on and be fine."

Today I'm making bread.  Yesterday, I was a mess.

At one point the pediatrician asked me if I had any ideas. She specifically says, "So what did you Google"?  I personally think she likes to pick my brain.  See what I'm made of and stuff.  So I say, "I think you know what I Googled".  She just says "mmm.. hmm.." And for the rest of the visit it just becomes "That-Thing-You-Googled"... never the 'T-word'.  

She also mentioned generalized anxiety disorder.  That's not what my gut's thinking.  My gut's usually somehow a little more aware of things than I am.  Pessimistic? Naw.  Realistic.

So I make bread and wonder when the neurologist will call.  I'm ready to just get this thing going... and I think Coop is too.